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Friday, March 17, 2017

Since I got a job (first half)

I became a local civil servant, I joined the circle and it has been enjoyable for about a year.


However, I also felt empty, I was irritated against myself who was not living the real self.

My job had been going well, but something of passion for that work did not come up.


No matter what kind of work I do not feel like achieving this.


I just wait passively for the time to pass.

I became disliked of being in the office, as others seemed excellent.


I had not had anything I would like to do, I had a dream that I do not know for what I am living.


From about the third year since then, the drinking party which had been once or twice a week until that time also increased, the number of familiar stores increased and the amount of alcohol gradually increased.

By the time I was 28 years old I drunk four times a week and when I could not drink outside I got a pattern of drinking alcohol at home.


The amount of my alcohol increased and it became a way to drink a bottle of whiskey in the second day since I was 30 years old.


I experienced blackout for the first time when I got a job, but since I was 30 years old there was almost no memory when drinking outside.


In the middle of the night, I got drunk and came back, in the morning, my mother told me the living room puddle and knew it was my pee.


Such a thing became everyday, and I lost consciousness and became a lost child.It is strange that I slept on the road and I was not hit by a car.Also, sometime, as I got up in the morning the glass in the living room was cracked and it was my own work though I was not at all remembered.


I did not raise an incident, but when I was drinking it seems to have said pretty terrible things to my friends.


I was suddenly attacked by depression when such a life passed five years.


I did not want to go to work, I did not want to meet people, I had hard day continuing.


I became an independent living apart from my parents' house in the mid 30's.


When I woke up around 6 am on a holiday, I drank whiskey, and when I woke up I was drinking alcohol and drinking until I had slept.


That was the only pleasure for my holiday.

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